


Simeon's a Hoe

by 13ineedpills13



Category: Shall We Date?: Obey Me!
Genre: Alcohol, Crack, Dick Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Gen, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Sexual Humor, Snacks & Snack Food, This Is STUPID, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, TikTok, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:46:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24394486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/13ineedpills13/pseuds/13ineedpills13
Summary: What happens when a sorcerer, a (probably) conservative christian, and a normal human gets together to hang out in hell while drinking wine out of coffee mugs? [This could be a very nice entery to a fucked up porn fic but that's not what we are in for today. Maybe later, in another timeline.]I used Male!Reader lol.---I have no explanation for this shit, or the title I just saw an obey me as tiktoks vid and decided to write this.Hoe Simeon isn't a bad idea thoThis shit is so unfunny that it will turn your dick into a noodle.
Relationships: Simeon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) & Reader, Simeon/Solomon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!), Solomon (Shall We Date?: Obey Me!) & Reader
Comments: 7
Kudos: 83





	Simeon's a Hoe

What happens when a sorcerer, a (probably) conservative christian, and a normal human gets together to hang out in hell while drinking wine out of coffee mugs? [This could be a very nice entery to a fucked up porn fic but that's not what we are in for today. Maybe later, in another timeline.]

The short answer to that question is chaos.  
The long answer however, is; As the christian tries to calm both his friends down with the word of Jesus Christ, the sorcerer and the human calls out to a sexy demon the sorcerer has a pact with, demanding to get an "OH YEAH!" from the pitch black yard (where the demon probably stood).

Yeah, doesn't make sense.  
But what do you expect from people who drink wine from coffee mugs?

Solomon and Simeon were your salvation in this land of torture you call "Devildom". Honestly, you weren't even sure if you would survive for one week under the rule of a boomer monarch that probably killed his ex-wife for the aesthetic, and his zucchini haired shady butler, but it's been three months and here you were. All good, thanks to your homies' help. 

Being a pretty broke and a mildly depressed dude yourself, it was refreshing to take a break from those 7 limpdicks you had to deal with all day. And a homie always finds his comfort in his other homies' arms when the time called for it. This was the unspoken rule between you three. 

Hence why, when you felt free to show up unannounced with some wine, poptarts and Flamin' Hot Cheetos in your hands. You cashed in the couch of Purgatory Hall for the night, and they welcomed you for dinner, as you expected. The dinner went smoothly and lively, since the chihuahua Simeon liked to keep in his purse wouldn't stop yapping about how delicious the food was to get on your good side, simply to get some affection and headpats. Of course you gave him the headpats and the love he wanted.

Though the little shit then turned his back at you and said "I'm not a kid!" angrily. "K. Fuck you too." you said, censoring the "fuck" with "screw", and sat down on your seat, withdrawing your hand under the amused eyes of Simeon. Solomon was too busy with dipping his chicken inside the whatever sauce he found on the cabins while Luke cooked. Was it dangerous? Probably. But did he care enough about his own life to give a shit? Haha.

No.  
No, he didn't.

Anyway, the dinner was finished, dishes were cleaned, the table was wiped, the chihuahua was sent to his bed, and now you all could hang out all night, doing very christian and family friendly activities. You mumble a random rap song you found online as you pour the snacks you brought and the stuff you found in the cabinets in a fee bowls and plates. You weren't a fan of this artist or anything. You literally typed in "rap songs" on google and this song was the first one to come up. So you actually memorized it out of boredom.  
Oh you're such a quirky boy 😂

"Trap God, and we servin' up the whole world. Ay, where the gold at baby. Ay, where the clothes at baby. Ay, where the dough at baby. And the banger but you know I ain't tryna blow that baby..."

Hearing you mumble this... song... (emphasis on the hesitation there) Solomon decided to sing along with you, much to your distaste. If anyone in this house was going to sing, it was you.

.  
.  
.

You told to yourself, but in reality you were just way too self conscious of your voice and you were embarassed that Solomon caught you singing. "Ay, we gon' save that money. Ay, we gon' save that money. Ay, we gon' save that money. What we do? We gon' save that money... What?" Solomon noticed your judgemental stare and the embarassment behind it, and smirked. "You're not the only one that has access to your search history."

"I'M SORRY WHAT!?"

"Why did you panic, it's not like you go to PornHub every Saturday night, instead of hanging out with us." Solomon paused. "Or do you?"

"I don't even have an account! The last time I logged there was two years ago, and I somehow got verified as Julius Ceasar- Why the hell are we when having this conversation?"

"Better note that information somewhere. Mind giving me the password?" Solomon took out a pen from the table, next to the small post-its and pretended to write something inside his palm, staring at you xpectantly.

"Don't you get laid at least 2 times a week? Simeon and I form the loser squad when it comes to that. Mind your own business." You frown and pour the wine into mugs one by one. Eating healthy was important, but fuck that. 

"Hm, fair." Solomon put the pen down and smiled at Simeon's "Would you politely shut up and just bring the snacks already? Everyone is coming for me nowadays..." He grumbles. 

"Everyone except the girl I hooked you up with 3 weeks ago." Solomon said in a clear voice, making you laugh out loud as he took the bowl of chips and 2 boxes of giant strawberry pockies. You brought the wine bottle under your arm as you somehow take three glasses at once in your hands and make your way to the living room.

"I only had dinner with that girl."

"Sure." Simeon sighed at your response and shook his head. "Lord give me patience..." He mumbled as he picked the first episode of the series he picked to watch on Netflix. "You know, I wouldn't mind going on a date with you. I'm 10 times more fabulous than the girl you went out on a date with." You smirk at the shocked expression on Simeon's face and stick your tongue out, as you lean on the couch with the box of pockies in your hand, already chewing on one.

"Did you just ask him out?" Solomon asked without looking at both of you, with the remote in his hands. "I did." You say, confident.

"I decline." Simeon immediately says and leans on the couch as well, loosening the collar of his tight sleeveless shirt a bit.

"Ouch. Not even a hook-up?"

"I take 100 for each inch." 

Silence.

.  
.  
.

Solomon choked on his drink at that response and began laughing, with a part of his drink getting on the coffee table in front of you. It was your turn to stare at him in shock and laugh. Both of you lean on Simeon's shoulders as you laughed while holding your stomachs. You three didn't even watched the movie, as you kept giggling at Simeon's joke and laugh even more when he called you out on it.

So you decide to clean the table and take the snacks with you outside on the balcony to enjoy some fresh air. You turn on the yellow LED lights you put as a joke on the wall and sit down on the table Simeon put there with the snacks, while Solomon brought the chairs. All of you enjoy a good second meal and laughed at stupid memes and jokes you saw on Devilgram and Reddevil, and Simeon laughed at a "When you see the jewish hippie you literally just crucified going around and talking to people" meme way too much, due to his tipsiness.

You were busy getting hammered on the balcony as well, knowing that the angel and the sorcerer would never let you drop. [That's a lie, a drunk Solomon would let you fall from a 15 story building for the sake of entertainment.]   
So you get up, wink and Solomon, and yell at the top of your lungs at the dark abyss in front of you with your best female porn star voice.

"Can I get an OOOoh yeEEAAAH!?"

"Hon'yaaah?" Simeon repeated what he heard from your mouth in a confused tone, but Solomon ushered him to shut up as he recorded you.

What they weren't expecting was to get an actual response from the abyss. "Oooh yeaaah~!", a familiar flirty voice said.

"Yo who the fuck was that?" You turn to the camera while smiling, making Simeon and Solomon chuckle.

"It's demons." Solomon says and smiles and points the camera at the distance. "Demon!"

You shout with him as well. "Demon!"

"Yaaah?!" The demon yells back, as you stumble in your seat a little in fear. "Oh shit bro..." Solomon says while Simeon yelled back at the demon in the same voice, slightly more high pitched. "Oh yeaah!"

"Hey demon! You trying to fuck!?" Solomon called out, getting yet another "OoHHHYEAAAH!" from the demon in the darkness.

"Oh yeah baby, go get me some demon pussy!" Solomon yelled back and stopped the recording, face red from laughing. He put the phone down and brought his hands on his face, lifting his one leg up and putting his foot on the chair he was sitting on, unable to keep his laughther inside. "Fuck!" You yell and laugh with him, while Simeon wipes the tears from his own eyes and sips on the wine in his mug. 

"What the hell is Asmodeus even DOING here in... in the- in the middle of the nigh... hhheheEAHAHA!" Solomon could barely breathe and talk from his wheezing, his voice was coming out in whispers and he sounded like as if the grimm reaper looking shitheads from Harry Potter was sucking his soul in. "I dunno, why the hhhhELL are we moaning.. to HIM! HIM of ALL peooople! In the middle of the night!?" Your cheeks were red from all your laughing and drunkness, as you took deep breaths and tried to calm yourself down.

"Don't argue with me, you're DRUNK." Solomon said and laughed a bit more, before he slumped in his seat in exhaustion.

"You are drunk." Simeon said, amused.

"I'm not."

"Oh yeah? Can you tell the time?" Simeon, being the most responsible one, was the least drunk in the whole group.

"Yeah..." Solomon said and whipped out his phone, opening the lockscreen to tell the time. "I'm NOT fucking drunk.


End file.
